MERRY CHRISTMAS
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Silent Night
Merry Christmas! I guess I have to be happy today, even if only for my mom. Christmas is my least favorite holiday, especialy after my parents got divorced. Oh well. Don't want to bring everyone down.
So............... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

well then i guess i deserved that
Mood:  sad
Well, I said I would be back if something interesting or dissapointing happend. This time its both. I called Michael, hoping that he had enough time to cool off. Yeah, no he wasn't cooled off. Actually, I think he is still in shock. No, he is just full on pissed. He definatly doesn't love me anymore. When I called, he said why the fuck are you calling me? Well, I said that I just missed talking to him. He said well you should have thought of that before you slept with Ryan. That was definatly what I wanted to hear. NOT!!!! Then he said that he had nothing to say to me and hung up! So that is what was disapointing. But, on the up side Matt said he was happy that I held his hand on Tuesday, he said he wasn't sure if he should or not, and I answered that question for him! So yeah.

hmmmmm
Mood:  happy
OK, so yesterday there was a choir gig at this fancy restaurant, but I missed it because I was sick. So, today we had pizza and the robes needed to be hung up and organized. Well, John asked me, out of allthe people in choir, to help him. I was like sure whatever. So we were up there and I was trying to zip up one of the robes, and I couldn't because my hands were shaking uncontrolably. Why? Dunno. So I asked him to zip it for me, and he was like why so I told him him that I was shaking. He said that it was because I was with him and it made me nervous. I hate it when he is right. He asked why I was nervous and I told him I didn't know. He was like well don't be. He said that he just didn't want to do the robes by himself and that he wanted someone to talk to. So we hung the robes up, and we talked. It was weird, after a while I just got used to it and I wasn't nervous, and I realized that I don't have feelings for him any more! It was amazing to feel so "free". I could stand there with out acting weird and talkto him about whatever. I asked him why he wanted to join the army, and he said that it was because he wanted to be a cop. I told him that he didn't have to go to the army for that,that he could just go to cop school. He said that was true but they are more likly to hire a veteran. So that was why. Oh, and I found out that his middle name is Michael. How weird is that. All the guys I like, or liked, have either the first or middle name Michael. Interesting. I guess it's just that name. Oh well. If anything else exciting or dissapointing happens I will be back.

Smiles on the house!
Mood:  special
In choir today we had a sub because Mrs. Sipusic wasn't there. We were watching a movie, and Matt was sitting alone, so I went and sat next to him. Then without missing a beat, who but Stephanie came and sat on the other side of him. She started laughing, and Matt whispered to me,"Don't even worry about her hun, it's not worth it." I told him that I wasn't bothered by her, I just thought it was funny, and that it proved my point on Friday. He started laughing, and he goes yeah I guess your right. Then she turned behinde her and started talking about me, he turned to her and told her to just knock it off. I thought that was funny too. She didn't and got up and left. Well we were sitting there and I said that I was tired, and he told me to lean on his shoulder and go to sleep. I didn't want to go to sleep because it was a good movie, so I just layed my head on his shoulder. It was so nice. Then my hands got cold so I put them in his hoodie pocket and he started holding my hand!! I was so excited!But I didn't let him see that. It was so cute he was like awww your hands are so cold hunnie!!! Wow that made my day.

monday can't be any different
Mood:  down
OK, so on Friday when Matt and I were talking he said he didn't want to kiss me because he was afraid that I would want it to happen on Monday. I said no that it could just be a "one night kiss" kind of thing. Well I was wrong, I wasn't able to do it. I saw him today, and I wanted a kiss. I was so upset with myself. I didn't want to feel like that. I wanted to just be able to walk away and not have feelings for him. It was weird because I sort of felt like he felt the same way in a since. Or, maybe I just want him to feel the same way. I like being kissed, I gives me somewhat of a feeling of security, or I don't know. It's just nice to have someone hug you and kiss you and have it mean something. I wish he and I would just work out. I just have to keep wishing though. Oh well. I just have to have the satisfaction of knowing what happened on Friday. Then today during choir, I went to give him a hug and Stephanie the big bitch that she is, had to try and grab him away. Well, Matt wasn't having that. He was pissed, he said "Stephanie, get the hell off of me I can't even hug someone without you being up my ass. Just leave me alone!!!!", it was amazing. But I guess I can't laugh. I have to be better than her. I can't stoop to her level. Speaking of stooping. I was sitting there and I was minding my own business and all of the sudden I hear her talking crap about me. Matt told her to shut up, that it was really getting old. And at lunch Jean was really irritated, and she went up to Stephanie and asked her why she was talking so much crap about me. She said that she didn't want to get to know me, that she thought I was a slut, and that she had no respect for me, why? I don't know. I don't really care anymore. She said that Matt had said a lot of the same things. He was standing there and he told her that the only thing that he said was that I had a lot of drama in my life. And he told me that to my face, and I agree. She was pissed because he didn't stick up for her. Whatever. I guess Monday is just another day.

it aint over till the fat lady sings
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: radio by alkaline trio
Yeah so I was at the choir concert today and I wanted a hug from Matt and the dumb bitch Stephanie had to try and pull him away. Well I got the last laugh on this one because he told her to get the hell off of him....hehehehe....I guess I thought it was funny because I know what happened on Friday. She doesn't. He left to talk to me not her. He wanted to just talk to me. Away from everyone else. Just me and him. It was great. He looked at me and told me that he saw me, but not just me, everything that I want and everything that I feel. I have to be careful though, because last time a guy said that he just wanted in my pants and when it didn't work he was an asshole. I just have to hope and pray that he is different than Paul. I have to wait until the fat lady sings. I just hope she doesn't find me, not for a while. I need this. I deserve this damnit!

KARMA SUCKS
Mood:  hug me
Why I do the things I do is a mystery even to me. Why I lie about things to people I love also one of those many mysteries. I think that I lied to Michael because I didn't want to hurt him. But in the long run, it hurt him even more. Things like that don't make since to me. Maybe it's Karma. Yeah thats what it is. The reason that I get hurt is Karma. Then again last night was really nice. I mean it went from bad to good to bad again. I'm not even stressing about Stephanie and Matt anymore. It doesn't even bother me, because I know the truth. Which is a hell of a lot nicer than not knowing. Wow I think I just answered my own problem. Michael is upset because yes knowing the truth still hurts but it's a hell of a lot nicer than being lied to. I understand now, but I am to afraid to call him. I know that he will still be very upset, which is understandable. I would be too. I don't know what to do. I guess I just have to let things run their course. I don't want to, but since when did it matter what I want? I don't think it does.