wow im dumb
Mood:  hug me
Wow did I honestly think that I had a chance with John..... i am so stupid. I mean come on its john. Of course he doesn't like me. No, he wouldn't just pretend to be attracted to me just to get me away from paul, but I guess I just told myself that I do have a chance with John so many times that I actually started to belive it myself. I guess its just mind over matter. I can't belive that Paul "cheated on me" with sonny too. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. I think I find guys that I know I either don't have a chance with or guys that I know will hurt me. I don't know why. I think I might like getting hurt. I hate crying. I knew I didn't have a chance with john and that is what I wanted to hear and that isn't what he told me. I needed to hear that so I could jsut give up. Or maybe. It is what I wanted to hear becuase then it would have been more of a chalenge and so I would have had to work harder. And he figured it out. i can't play hard to get. I have always been afraid because I think that if I do play hard to get the guy will give up. I don't want to be given up on. Nobody does. I guess that is why I never played hard to get. I didn't want to be givin up on.So I end up throwing myself at the guy which makes him give up too. I am in a lose lose situation. Grrrr. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even think I am going to homecoming. I live for dances. And I probably won't go. What is worng with me. THis year was supposed to be MY year.

what to do what to do?
Mood:  not sure
well, he told me, actually i made him tell me. then the next day at school john told me that he liked me. I was and still am so confused. I have liked john since last year and i never had the courage to tell him until yesterday when he told me that pual is a really big player. He was like "well it is ok to be a player every once in a while, but he is just a really bad player he is always with a new girl." I am so mad, because i know its true and i hate that. I want to be able to trust him, but after the whole brittany situation i don't know if i can. im sort of afraid to even say anything to paul, because I know he would be upset. i really like john though and everyone seems to think that I should get with john, but then again, i love paul, i only like john. even lauren thinks i should get with john. paul has been acting weird too. everytime i see him at school he is acting like a jerk. he was never like that before. I don't know why he is being like this, probably because he is around his friends but it isn't fair.

funny isn't the word i first think of
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: my happy ending
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Yeah i guess so much for my happy ending....he is lying to me and that just hurts more than anything. How can he do this. I love him and I always will and i wish he knew that. We all make mistakes. I will forgive him if he tells me if he doesn't then i don't know what i will do. I really wish I could talk to someone who didn't know him, i don't know if that would help any but it is worth a try, of course i can't talk to Mike about it because he doesn't know about me and Paul, and i plan to keep it that way....i don't want to hurt anyone. I am and i hate myself for it. I wish all of this would go aways, i wish i could wake up from this nightmare. I love him way to much for this to happen.

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT
Mood:  energetic
Paul is going to my Aunt's churches lock in. Which means he is staying the night with me. I am so excited. I think that this could quite possibly be a test. If he can stand to be around me for so long. He will see me now at my best and my worst. If he loves me he won't care how awkward I am in the wee hours in the morning. Well I have to go take a shower.

Smiles
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: I love you by Celine Dion
How is it that someone I barely know can make me so happy? Wow, is it just me or do I talk a lot about Paul? I don't know.... he just makes me so happy. I feel like I have known him forever. It's weird. He knows me inside and out. It is amazing. I really do think that I love him. I talked to Michael today, and he said that I have been acting weird lately. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that I seem really happy for no apparent reason. I asked him if that was a bad thing, he said no. He said he didn't know what was making me so happy, but he was glad that I was, no matter what it was. It means a lot that Michael is happy to see me happy. Even though I think it would be different if he knew why I was so happy. I am sure of it. If he knew about Paul and I he would be so pissed off. Which sucks because I really want to tell him, but oh well.

WHAT?
Mood:  surprised
Omg James just called and asked me to go on a family vacation with him. Talk about awkward. I really want to go but then again I don't want Paul to get mad. That is the only reason I don't wnat to go, oh and I wouldn't be able to see lauren or paul for a week. Grrr I don't know what to do. I am waiting for Paul to call so I can talk to him about it.

ME!!!!!
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Shadow by Ashlee Simpson
Angel
Her name is Angel
Because that is what she is.
She is beautiful
And has wings of gold.
Her halo is always shining,
But even angels aren't perfect.

She has secrets that no one knows
She crys at night.
Sometimes she just wants to die.
She screams for help,
But only she can hear,
Because everyone always always sees her smile
Never frown.

She tries so hard
To make people understand.
She can't.
One day her screams are so loud,
A little person hears.
That little person listens but doesn't speak.
The little person sits and cries with her.

Angel still isn't perfect,
But now she can live
But now it's true
Not a lie
No more secrets
Just Angel!

I really hope that Paul can be my little person.

What the hell?
Mood:  irritated
I really feel irritated. Like everything but nothing is wrong. I don't know what is bothering me so much. I haven't talked to anyone but Lauren today. I talked to Paul for like 2 minutes. I don't think I really want to see him today, even if I could. I am still upset about waht he said yesterday about me not trusting him. I know that I have trust issues, but I don't want to feel like that with him. Especialy with him. I want to be able to tell him anything. I feel like I could, but then again there are some thingd that I don't want to talk to him about because I am afraid of how he will feel. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to hurt the one I love. Last night when we were talking online I said hey sweetie, and he goes I take it this is the love of my life. That made me want to cry. I am so scared that I am going to hurt him.

Paul
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: pieces of me by ashlee simpson
I really don't know how I feel. I love Paul so much. I really do want to trust him, but I'm scared. I really don't want to get hurt again. I tell him all the time that I love him, because I really do. Like with Michael I just said it. It was habit. I hated that. I felt like shit. It was a habit that I knew I had to break, and I did. Now with Paul, I know that it is real. I get this weird feeling inside when I say I love you to Paul. It is amazing. I can't belive how I feel. Nevermind I do know how I feel. I just explained it to Lauren. I hated who I was. And now I can finally be me again. I am "Orrville" again and so much more. When I was in Orrville I was everything that I wanted to be. When I came to Tallmadge I became something I wasn't. I hated myself. I did things that I would never do. After the Nick thing I swore that I could never go back to that again. I have felt like shit. Maine was my restart button. I know that when I was there I kept falling back into my old habbits and I talked to people that hurt me. I guess I needed to see that I was getting hurt. When I came home I realized.... "Damn! I have Lauren and Paul, what more can I ask for." Paul is helping me be me again. I love how I feel. Even though I can be really upset, I can still think that I have Paul, and that makes me happy. I love how Paul makes me feel.